This morning I sat on the couch with a cup of coffee and my journal. I prepared to check in with myself because if I'm being honest, this week (month - maybe even) has been hard. I realized I hadn't written for 16 days. That's a lot for me! Maybe thats why I have been feeling so heavy. Do you ever feel heavy? I like to tell myself that everyone feels heavy once in a while, and that it's okay.
The real question here is how do I lighten the load? I can't take fewer classes. I can't stop time. I can't slow things down. I can't change the past, and I can't plan out every detail of the future.
The main thing I've been stressed about lately is maintaining my GPA. I'm not really sure why. I know that it doesn't matter. But it has a hold on me. Its grasp makes my chest tight when I think about it. It digs its way into every part of my life. The stress tells me I won't get a job because "I'm going to fail statistics." The stress stops me from starting projects I've known about for weeks. It tells me there's no point in starting because "it will be the worst thing you've ever written." It wakes me up in the middle of the night, in a cold sweat and whispers in my ear "You shouldn't even be allowed to graduate."
This morning I wrote in my journal
"School will be over in two months. I'll be stuck with this body and this mind for 60 to 80 more years. So WHY am I neglecting my body and soul for good grades? How much do straight A's really matter in the grand scheme of life anyway?"
I know this feeling will come and go more times in life than I care to admit. It won't always be about grades. Maybe someday it will be about my career, my spouse, my kids, politics, or just because.
Although at 21 I haven't quite figured it all out yet, I have learned that it's okay to be heavy once in a while. I hope eventually I can learn to notice the things that make me feel heavy and maybe do something about it.
I'm not telling you all of this because I want you to feel bad for me. I just want you to know that you aren't alone if you feel heavy too.
Maybe my next post will be ways to feel lighter. But maybe not, because it might take me a while to figure that out. Like 60 to 80 more years. ;)
Stay light, my friend. I'm cheering for you.